1:14am off the cuff nonsense

it's times like these that jealousy creeps in
alone in bed and waiting for her call.
knowing that my life depends on him,
or part at least, which might as well mean all,

and even though i know there's not a chance
my heartbeat jumps a little bit each time.
if i only knew the tempo of the dance
perhaps i'd find a way to fall in line.

but i don't hear the drummer, i can't feel
the beat, the rhythm, only my own feet
and fear creeps in then, thinking he could steal
a piece of something valuable to me.

and one of these days, maybe i'll grow up.
or maybe i'll just call and interrupt.

Safe Sex

And when the wave had passed, Tsunami strong,
another came, unbidden, fiercer still,
more vicious for its unexpected swell;
it caught me, sank me, swift. She sang a song,

a lullabye, last night. She held me from
behind, pressed up against my back, her breath
was humid on my skin. There, in the depths
of her embrace, and easy like the hum

of steady waves against my hull, I slept
while that rogue wave was building. Now the roar
of my own fading heartbeat's all I hear
beneath the silent, throbbing sea that swept

me up and drew me down. The deep sea cold
grows warm as I have less and less to hold.

flash flood

and then the mountains gave way to a plain
of cacti, ragged scrub and empty space.
away, a little north, a storm cloud raced
the west wind, and a heavy sheet of rain

blocked out the jagged peaks. the radio
was crackling, signal weak, but strong enough
for us to hear the warning of flash floods
in western clark. "go slow, now, baby, slow,"

and in her eyes, the lightning flashed. When she
was gone, with him, and no word for some time
the flash flood crossed in front me. The line
of distant mountains faded, blocked in seas

of gray. just down the road a ways the sky
was blue, and yet the stormcloud held my eye.

What I Didn't Know

and there I was, between the place where I
could still turn back, and that last, wild step
across the edge. The moon, a little shy
of half full, waxing, then, began to dip

down towards the streetlights, took their orange glow
like spray on tan. The road was empty but
for me, a couple trucks. I didn't know
the answer, yet I knew that it would cut

me either way. I didn't know that she
would say it, thought that I would be the one
to break. I didn't know if it would be
spray on emotion, like the color from

the streetlights on the moon, and yet I knew
that there was only one thing I could do.

And looking back, a month now come and gone
I have no doubt the choice I made was right.
The moon, half full again, was sitting on
the strip, as I rode home, and in her light,

the neon faded. When I looked her way
she touched me gently, as she slowly slid
behind the sheet of cloud. If I could say
that I'd take back a single thing I did,

I'd know I'd fucked it up. I've tried to write
this poem, and use the line about the moon
and streetlights, but I couldn't make it tight
enough. It could have been too late, too soon,

too anything, but looking at her face,
I know, at least, I'm not alone in space.

Before Gravity

A hangnail moon, cracked, yellow, half obscured,
lay limply on a ragged bed of cloud
behind the bowling alley where we stood
in late November, Tuesday, I believe.
I looked away and tried to think of what
excuses I could make, what I could say,
besides I’m bored, besides I want to fuck
another girl. The winter air was thick,
the wind, rising from the bay a mile off
was damp and swift and cold. her cigarette
was yellow at the tip, and on the butt,
and all that I could think of was the girls
who finished off their wine, then paid the bill,
put lip gloss on and left two coasters, on
the bar, which they had kissed. They winked and turned
and looked around before they walked away.

I think my average score was low, we bowled
four games, and left, at midnight, when they closed.
At home the dog was waiting, and I thought
how fuckin’ stupid I would be to leave
this life. We last had sex three weeks ago.

I’m up till five am, watching tv
and playing online poker while I read
the craigslist personals. I’m really not
quite sure how I got here. And maybe worse,
no fucking clue how I can get away.
So here we are, at 5am, we three:
the hangnail moon, the yellow smoke, and me.

Untitled

And it was just three words, make no mistake,
but there it hung, and burned into my eyes.
The question left no room for a disguise:
I was forgotten, or at least erased.

And then I knew there wasn't any chance
for her to feel a thing but hate for me.
The tide we swam grew angry, and the sea
then pulled us, thrashing, from the shore. Her glance

was angry, too, replete with hurt and doubt.
Her choice was hers, the same as mine was mine,
no matter how our selves were intertwined,
the riptide offered only one way out.

And I can't blame her, I would hate me too,
for what I am, if not for what I do.

T(w)o Defend Every Love, Every Ending?

And she kissed me, or asked me to kiss her,
on the jungle gym in the school playground
up the street from where I used to live. Down
the hill, the lake sat like a mirror, blurred

by hazy moonlight. Later, several nights
as we lay naked in my bed, she rolled
away and whispered it. And when she told
me what it was she'd done, all of the lights

went dark for a moment. I held her hands
and they sat small in mine. I couldn't eat
my eggs. When we walked out into the heat
I stood, watched her go back to her husband.

I tried to catch her face, but couldn't see
her through the glare the sun cast on the screen.

And in that flash I understood that love
can never be controlled. When I walked in
She had the table set with dinner, wine
already poured, but nothing was enough

to keep me there. And on the mountain road
The moon, two thirds and waning in the east,
was watching as the rabbit ran beneath
the wheels. She gasped, her fist clenched, but we drove

on still. We took turns singing songs until
the two-lane drive turned into freeway lights.
It makes no sense, yet, somewhere in the night,
I loved her, lost her, all against my will,

in spite of things that make an ounce of sense,
And always without asking my consent.